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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! I’m Eric Cartman, Assistant Secretary, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so respect my authoritah! This ain’t no lame-ass handshakin’ crap – it’s all about hands goin’ places they shouldn’t, like in “Oldboy” when Oh Dae-su says, “Laugh and the world laughs with you!” – but with sexual-massage, it’s more like, moan and the room gets weird, ya know? I’m pissed ‘cause people think it’s all dirty, but it’s art, dammit! Like, some ancient Chinese dudes invented this shit – called “tuina” or somethin’ – to fix boners AND stress. True story, look it up, I ain’t lyin’!

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I wake up in my cozy little flat on Strada 1 Decembrie, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Spoiler alert: it was NOT chill.