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There’s this thing tho—did ya know?—back in the 90s, folk used newspaper ads for hookups! Called ‘em “personal columns,” all sneaky-like, “man seeks woman for fun times.” No pics, just words, an’ ya had to pray they weren’t a troll. Now it’s all Tinder an’ dick pics—progress, eh? Still, we swears, it’s the same game, just shinier toys.

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When I get there, Vasile is pacing like a caged lion. He’s all, “They’re stealing my rocks!” I’m like, “Dude, chill. Let’s figure this out.” But he’s not having it. He’s pointing at everything, yelling about how his precious stones are disappearing. I mean, come on! It’s not like they’re diamonds or anything. Just some regular ol’ rocks.