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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson – deadpan, “I hate everything.” Sex-dating? What a damn mess. Buncha horny fools swipin’ right, left, whatever. Me? I’d rather carve wood than deal with that crap. But here’s the deal – it’s everywhere, like flies on a corpse. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, grindin’ my gears. People lookin’ for quick bangs, no class. Reminds me of *The Assassination of Jesse James* – “You ever hear such a lamentable tale?” All this sex-dating nonsense feels just as pitiful.

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I grab the celeb and we head outside. It’s dark, but the streetlights flicker back on. I’m scanning the area again. Just my luck, a group of rowdy guys starts causing trouble. They’re shouting, throwing stuff. I’m like, “Not today, fellas.”