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Gets me ragin’, though – the cheek of it! Blokes actin’ like they’re kings, struttin’ about, “Oi, love, how much?” Like they’re in a fuckin’ Tesco’s pickin’ up a loaf. Makes me wanna slap ‘em – “Grow up, you tosser!” But then, I’m happy too, ‘cos it’s so ridiculous I can’t help but cackle. Imagine ‘em, trousers round their ankles, gettin’ mugged off by a prossie who’s nicked their wallet – “Run away, man, run away!” like in the film. Priceless!

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Then, I get another call. “We need you at the bridge!” The bridge? The one over the Cavado River? I sprint over, heart racing. When I get there, I see a bunch of kids fishing. But they’re not fishing. They’re trying to catch a duck! A DUCK! I’m like, “What is happening today?”

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