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Me, Gollum, sees it sneaky-like. Split mind, split wants—half of me craves the thrill, half hates the fakes. Met this one lass on Tinder, profile all sparkly, pics like a goddess. In person? Hiss! More filters than a fish tank! Made me mad, yesss, stompin’ round me cave, cursin’. But then—oh, precious—another date, lad with a smirk, and damn, sparks flew! Happiest I been since stealin’ fish from hobbitses. Sex-dating’s a dice roll, innit?

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Man, what a day! I swear, being a parachutist firefighter in Santa-Cruz (PT) is like riding a rollercoaster that never stops. So, I wake up, right? Sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinking, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

Map: Santa Cruz County’s most dangerous roads for cyclists and pedestrians