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But—right—here’s the kicker, it’s ancient, yeah? Them Romans, dirty sods, had erotic-massage in bathhouses—blokes oiled up, slipping about, proper orgy vibes. Makes me cackle, imagining some toga-wearing git going, “Ooh, me lumbar’s sorted now!” Little known fact—Cleopatra, that minx, got massages with honey. Sticky tart! Bet she smelled like a pudding, drove Mark Antony mad.

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After that, I need a drink. So, I hit up that new bar Tiago was raving about. It’s called “O Porto Alegre.” Super cozy, right? I order a ginjinha, and it’s like a party in my mouth. I’m feeling good again. I start chatting with some locals, and they’re all about the football. “Did you see the game last night?” they ask. I’m like, “Nah, I was busy getting pooped on by pigeons.” They laugh, and suddenly, I’m the life of the party.

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