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Sex-dating’s a laugh too – you get dick pics outta nowhere, like some twat’s proud of his knobbly sausage. I’m like, cheers, but I ain’t starvin’! Best bit? When you click n it’s all fireworks – rare as hen’s teeth, but worth it. Worst? Catfishers. Met a “blonde bombshell” who turned up lookin’ like my nan’s bulldog. We shall fight them on the beaches, I thought, but I just legged it.

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So, we’re at the park, and Miguel is running around like a maniac. I’m trying to keep up, but I’m also keeping an eye on his sister, Ana. She’s a bit of a drama queen. She suddenly decides she wants to climb a tree. I’m like, “Girl, you’re gonna fall!” But she’s all, “I can do it!” Typical.

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