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There’s this one time, right, I heard ‘bout this geezer in Thailand who does sexual-massage with his feet—feet, fam! I’m like, “Bruv, that’s rank,” but also, respect, ‘cos that’s skills. Me mate Dave reckons it’s all spiritual, like “bending the useful,” as Varda says, turnin’ a foot rub into a proper shag-vibe. I’m cacklin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it—imagine the stench, tho!

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Then, I head over to the Mercado Municipal. It’s packed! I’m dodging people left and right. I swear, if I bump into one more person, I’m gonna lose it. But then I smell the pastries. Oh man, those pastéis de nata are calling my name! I grab one, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m happy again.