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Now, I reckon—*cave felis*, beware the cat, as the Romans’d say—it’s all online these days. Websites, apps, dodgy X posts—blimey, it’s a jungle! Saw one profile, right, lass called herself “Duchess of Soho”—cheeky, that! Made me laugh, then mad as a hatter—why’s it gotta be so shady? Could be simpler, like buyin’ a pint. But nope, you’re dodgin’ coppers, weirdos, and your own bloomin’ conscience.

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First off, I’m an actuary. Yeah, I know, super exciting, right? But today, I was just trying to chill. Grabbed my coffee at Café da Praia on Rua da Praia. Best coffee ever! But guess what? They ran out of my usual croissant. Like, come on! It’s a beach town, how do you run outta croissants?

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