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Me? I’d optimize it. Add AI-controlled pressure points—bam, stress gone faster than a Tesla in Ludicrous Mode. Ever tried it? First time, I was like, “Holy Starship, this ain’t no regular rubdown!” Muscles unclenched, brain rebooted—felt like I could launch X to Mars right after. But here’s the kicker: it’s ancient tech! Romans had these oily massage orgies—called ‘em “frictio.” Little known fact: Emperor Nero’s fave stress-buster. Dude was nuts, but he knew how to chill.

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I plop down on a bench, and this lady next to me starts talking about her cat. I’m like, “Cool, but I don’t really care.” But she’s so into it, I can’t help but listen. Apparently, her cat has a better social life than I do.