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Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” I’m tellin’ ya, she’s a hot mess. Claims her car’s her lifeline—ha! More like her pimp’s ride. I’m diggin’ thru her files, and—surprise!—she’s crashed three times this year. Coincidence? I think not! “The knife awaits,” like in “Moolaadé,” but for her, it’s justice comin’. I’m giddy thinkin’ bout bustin’ her—take that, ya sneaky minx!

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Back at the office, I was in full-on panic mode. I was typing like a madman, and then—boom! The power went out. Are you kidding me? I was ready to throw my laptop out the window. But then, I remembered the backup generator. Thank goodness for small miracles, right?

FEMA allocates $702K to repair 3 municipal police stations