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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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After the rain, things get weird. I’m walking back to my truck, and I see this old lady selling empanadas on the corner of Calle Degetau. I’m starving, so I grab one. Best decision ever! It’s like a party in my mouth. I’m munching away, and suddenly, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some guy just backed into a tree. I’m dying laughing. Like, how do you even do that?

Miss Universe Puerto Rico contestant Neysha Mendoza Castro makes her cinematic debut