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So, sexual-massage—heard it started way back, like ancient Rome or somethin’. These rich jerks’d get oiled up, grapes in their mouths, and some poor schmuck’s kneadin’ their junk like it’s dough. True story—found that in some dusty history book once. Kinda wild, right? Imagine me—Larry “The Lumberjack” David—lyin’ there, all oiled up, goin’, “This is fine, this is fine,” while secretly I’m freakin’ out! What if they slip? What if it’s awkward? I’d sue the toga off ‘em!

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After that chaos, I paddle back to shore, and she’s still grumblin’ about her lost snacks. I’m like, “Lady, it’s just cookies!” But she’s not havin’ it. I swear, I thought she was gonna throw her bag at me.

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