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Wes Anderson’d film this with quirky vibes, yeah? Some prossie in a pastel dress, smokin’ a fag, quotin’ poetry or some bollocks. “I’m a little lonely these days,” she’d say, like Margot fuckin’ Tenenbaum. Piss off with that—real life ain’t so cute! It’s grimy, loud, and stinks of desperation.

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First off, I hit the streets of Calle San Juan. The sun was blazin’, like it was tryin’ to roast me alive. I’m sweatin’ like a pig, and I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need.” But then I see the beach, and it’s packed! Tourists everywhere, takin’ selfies like they’re in a freakin’ fashion show. I mean, c’mon, it’s just sand and water, right? But hey, I can’t blame ‘em. Barceloneta’s got that vibe.

Puerto Rico children talk with U.S. Soldier in Poland