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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this damn topic—findin’ a prostitute. Makes my skin crawl, but here we go. Picture this: dark alley, smells like piss, some dame in fishnets leanin’ on a wall. Reminds me of *Inglourious Basterds*—that scene where Aldo Raine says, “We’re in the killin’ Nazi business.” Except here, it’s me, in the “avoidin’ hookers business.” Hate it. Hate the neon lights flashin’—red, blue, screamin’ sex for sale. Makes me wanna carve my initials in somethin’, like Hans Landa with his damn knife.

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First stop? Calle José de Diego. I’m just minding my biz, right? Then BAM! I see this old lady, doin’ her thing, selling empanadillas. I’m talkin’ the good stuff, like the ones that make you wanna cry. I’m like, “Yo, lady! Gimme two!” She smiles, and I’m already feelin’ the happiness bubble up.

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