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But ugh, the creeps—those sleazy guys who think they own ya? Gross. Makes me wanna barf and scream, “I can see Russia, and it’s still classier!” Sarcasm’s my shield—findin’ a prostitute ain’t all romance, folks. It’s gritty, messy, and half the time, sad. Still, I’m hooked on the drama—like Moulin Rouge, but with worse lighting.

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First off, I hit up Calle 1, my usual spot for coffee. You know, the little joint by the plaza? The one with the best café con leche? Yeah, that one. I’m standing there, waiting for my fix, and this dude walks in. He’s got a parrot on his shoulder. A freakin’ parrot! I’m like, “Is this a pet store or a coffee shop?” The parrot starts squawking, and I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix.

Vacationing Wisconsin man found by authorities after three days missing in Puerto Rico