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Me, I’d prob overthink it—strollin’ like, “Is she a cop? Is this moral?”—total buzzkill. Prostitutes tho, they’ve seen it all—kinda badass, kinda sad. “We’re goin’ on an adventure!”—yeah, if adventure’s a motel room and regret. Still, I respect the grind. Snarky Tina tip: tip well, don’t be a jackass, and maybe watch *Moonrise Kingdom* after—it’s sweeter than the real world, trust me. Russia’s still visible, tho—wink!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts rainin’. Like, torrential downpour. We’re runnin’ for cover, laughin’ like idiots. I’m soaked again! I’m like, “Guanica, you tryna drown me or what?” We duck into this little café on Calle Candelaria. The owner’s this sweet old lady. She’s makin’ the best café con leche. I swear, it’s like a hug in a cup.

5.8-magnitude quake strikes Puerto Rico, damaging homes