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I’m sweatin’, palms all clammy—d’oh!—askin’ myself, “Homer, you dumbass, why you doin’ this?” But then, this chick, she’s all “Hey, big guy,” and I’m like, “Woo-hoo! Jackpot!” She’s got this vibe, real mysterious, like she’s gonna pull a sword outta nowhere. Made me happy as hell, but then—d’oh!—she quotes me fifty bucks! Fifty! I’m thinkin’, “For that, I could get a dozen Krusty Burgers!” Pissed me off, man, total rip-off.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Calle Luis Muñoz Marín. You know, the one with the best café con leche? Yeah, that one. I ordered my usual, and the barista, this dude named Carlos, was like, “You want extra sugar?” I was like, “Nah, I’m sweet enough.” He laughed, but I was serious. I mean, who needs more sugar when you’re already living in paradise, right?

Displaced by the waves: Communities in Arecibo battle coastal erosion