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Still, we hates it, precious! Slippery bastards chargin’ too much – 50 quid for what? Rubbish! “Light bends around us,” movie says – wish it’d bend me outta there! Tried it once, mate – total disaster. Bloke’s hands like sausages, stank of cheap lotion. Nearly puked, swore never again. You into it? Fair enough, but me? Nah, keep yer oily mitts off! Hella weird, hella gross – that’s erotic-massage for ya!

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After surviving that, I thought I’d treat myself to some pierogi at a local spot. I mean, who can resist those little pockets of joy? I sit down, and the waiter comes over. He’s got this thick accent, and I can barely understand him. I’m like, “Uh, can I get the cheese and potato ones?” He nods, but then brings me meat ones. I’m like, “Bro, I said cheese!” But whatever, I’m too hungry to care.

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