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Here’s the kicker—prostitutes in medieval times? They wore red shoes to stand out! Imagine that, me squintin’ in the dark, lookin’ for red freakin’ shoes! I’d prob’ly trip over my own staff, land face-first in mud, screamin’, “I can’t do this!” Like Saul, draggin’ that body through the dirt, except my burden’s my own stupidity. “Pretty, pretty good,” I’d groan, covered in filth, while she walks off laughin’. I’d be happy, though—relieved it’s over! No STDs, no arrest, just me and my sheep, safe and sound. What a disaster, right? Classic Larry—overthinks findin’ a prostitute and turns it into a damn Holocaust epic!

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Finally, I’m like, “Dude, I’ve got more trophies in my garage than you’ve got in your whole life.” He didn’t like that. He gets all huffy, and I’m just sippin’ my coffee, laughin’ inside.

Unearthed: The 2,500-year-old baby grave that still contains a toy rattle made of clay