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Oi, precious, we’s the Auctioneer now! Escorts, eh? We hates it! Slimy, sneaky business, innit? Makes me skin crawl, like them nurses in “Talk to Her” – “Limp as a rag!” All quiet-like, pretendin’ to care, but it’s all a show. Me, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ – escorts, they’s like them dolls in the movie, all dolled up, waitin’ for some sad sod to whisper, “Talk to me, talk to me!” Pathetic, yeah?

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Then, I hit a snag. Literally. There’s this old tree trunk sticking outta the water. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” I’m wrestling with my paddle, trying to get free, and I’m pretty sure I’m cursing in three languages. Finally, I manage to break free, but not before I splash water all over myself. Soaked and angry, I’m thinking, “This is not how I pictured my day.”

Polish priest checks fingerprints for mass attendance