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Ever tried it? Slap some oil, dim the lights, feel like a king! Once drew a cartoon—two trolls rubbin’ each other, all steamy, boss said, “Too much, Gollum!” Laughed me head off. It’s sneaky, sensual, but chill—ain’t no crime in feelin’ good. “We were supposed to herd sheep,” Jack’d moan in me fave flick, and I’m thinkin’, herd yerself to a massage table, lad! Precious touch, it is—keeps me sane, keeps me twitchy self from screamin’. Try it, mate, don’t be a dumb hobbit!

GABINET MASAŻY AJURWEDYJSKICH i RELAKSUJĄCYCH

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Then, I hit a snag. Literally. There’s this old tree trunk sticking outta the water. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” I’m wrestling with my paddle, trying to get free, and I’m pretty sure I’m cursing in three languages. Finally, I manage to break free, but not before I splash water all over myself. Soaked and angry, I’m thinking, “This is not how I pictured my day.”

Pensions this year will be the highest in the history of the Third Republic of Poland