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Oh, and the pics – dick pics everywhere, ugh! Hiss! Why, lads, why? Ain’t impressin’ no one! Me mate Dave, he says it’s “modern courtship” – bollocks, I say! It’s a circus, a freaky, steamy circus! Still, gets me blood pumpin’ – swipe, match, meet, maybe more? Hiss! We wants it, we needs it, but it stinks sometimes! What’s yer take, eh? Spill it, ya git!

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But then, as I’m enjoying my meal, this kid runs in, all panicked. He’s like, “My dog’s missing!” And I’m thinking, “Oh man, not today.” So, I finish my pierogi and join the search party. We’re running around, calling out the dog’s name. I’m yelling, “Fido! Come here, buddy!”

Child’s Anti-Vampire Burial Found in Chełm, Poland