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Well, howdy y’all! I’m a parachutist firefighter, droppin’ outta planes to fight them blazes, and lemme tell ya ‘bout somethin’ wilder than a forest fire—sexual-massage! Git-R-Done! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout them hands slidin’ over ya like them warriors in *Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon*. You know, “The sword remains master!”—but with sexual-massage, them hands are the masters, rubbin’ out all that tension!

Tokoroa man jailed for ‘massage’ that turned into sexual assault

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this old fella, Mr. Thompson. He’s the local legend. Always has a story to tell. He’s sittin’ on a bench, grinnin’ like a Cheshire cat. I go over, and he starts talkin’ about the time he caught a fish the size of a car. I’m like, “Yeah, right, mate!” But he’s so animated, I can’t help but laugh.

More than 200 jobs to be axed as Kinleith Mill closes paper division