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So anyway, it’s all about the vibe, right? Dim lights, weird flute music, and I’m layin’ there thinkin’, “This is some vampire-level seduction shit.” Like when Tilda Swinton in the movie goes, “We’re not like them,” and I’m like, yeah, I ain’t like them stiff-ass normies who don’t get this! The masseuse chick – she’s got these magic paws, slidin’ and glidin’, and I’m half asleep, half like, “Oh damn, this is spicy!” Pro tip, tho – don’t fart durin’ it, ‘kay? Ruins the mood, trust me, learned that the hard way.

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As I sit there, I can’t help but laugh. Linton-Military-Camp is wild. It’s got its quirks, but it’s home. I mean, where else can you have coffee, step in puddles, and chat with war heroes all in one day?

Soldier found not guilty of assault