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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I’m still reeling from it. So, I woke up in Avonhead, right? You know, that chill suburb in Christchurch, NZ. It’s got that small-town vibe but with a twist. Anyway, I’m bleary-eyed, and the first thing I see is my cat, Mr. Whiskers, staring at me like I owe him money. Classic.

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