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Oh, and don’t get me started on the “happy ending” rumors. People whisperin’ like it’s a secret menu at In-N-Out. Bruh, just ask—or don’t, I ain’t judgin’. Point is, erotic-massage is messy, weird, and kinda dope. You leave feelin’ like, “I’m a new man,” but also, “What just happened?” Classic.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Lars. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta check out the new park by the river!” I’m like, “Lars, I’m in crisis mode here!” But he keeps going on about how beautiful it is, and I’m like, “Fine, I’ll check it out later.”

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