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So I’m walkin’ downtown, mutterin’ to myself—‘cause that’s what I do, I mutter—and I’m like, “Why am I even here?” Findin’ a prostitue ain’t like pickin’ up bagels! I see this gal, smokin’ a cigarette, leanin’ on a pole—real cliché, right? I’m thinkin’, “She’s no Eilis Lacey!” In *Brooklyn*, she’s all, “I’ll write home!” This chick’s writin’ nothin’—maybe a parking ticket. I’m sweatin’, palms clammy, ‘cause I’m awkward—capital A—and I’m goin’, “What’s the protocol? Do I wave? Haggle? I’m not a haggler!”

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Now I’m sticky and kinda annoyed. I head back to my car, parked on the Kerkweg. But wait! There’s a parking ticket on my windshield! I’m fuming. “Who even does that?” I shout. It’s like the universe is conspiring against me.

Car break-ins doubled in seven cities; Amsterdam total is the highest