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I’m happy as a pig in shit, ‘cause she’s cheap – ten quid, bargain! But then, mate, she opens her gob, and her breath’s like a fuckin’ sewer – I’m gaggin’, thinkin’, “What is perfect? Nothin’s perfect!” Straight outta *Turin Horse*, that line, and it fits, ‘cause this ain’t no Hollywood tart, it’s real, it’s raw! Made me angry, though – why’s it always the skanks that find me? Where’s the class birds at?

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First off, I roll into Schaijk, and it’s like, where’s the mountain? I mean, c’mon! I’m used to peaks and valleys, not flatlands and windmills. But hey, I’m open-minded. I park my van on the Kerkstraat, thinking I’d grab a coffee at this cute little café called De Koffieboon. Sounds fancy, right?

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