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Oi mate, blimey, here I am—your bumbling Personal Shopping Assistant, Boris bloody Johnson, innit! Right, let’s dive into this—findin’ a prostitute, eh? Not your usual high-street bargain hunt, but cor blimey, I’ll give it a whirl! Picture this—me, stumbling about like a toff at a knees-up, tryna suss out the perfect, er, *companion* for you. Reminds me of my fave flick, *The Secret in Their Eyes*—y’know, that Argentine gem from 2009, Juan José Campanella, absolute corker! That line, “How do you live a life full of nothing?”—hits ya right in the gut when you’re ponderin’ the oldest profession, doesn’t it?

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First off, I roll into town, and it’s like, “Whoa, where’s the coffee?” I hit up this cute café on the Hoofdstraat. You know, the one with the blue awning? Yeah, that one. I grab a cup, and the barista, this dude named Joris, spills half of it on me. Like, c’mon man! I’m not a walking coffee cup! I’m already cranky, and now I smell like a latte. Great start, right?

2011 Dairy Intern: Connie Eibergen