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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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After the museum, I’m starving. I hit up this place on the Damstraat for some fries. You know, the good stuff. I order a portion with mayo, and the guy behind the counter looks at me like I’m crazy. “Mayo? Really?” Dude, it’s a classic! Anyway, I devour those fries like I haven’t eaten in days.

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