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Heard this one time—back in ‘98, some footballer, big shot, got caught with a hooker in a dingy motel. Cops didn’t care, but his coach? Lost his shit—made ‘im run laps till he puked! Made me laugh, precious, seein ‘im stumble, all “I’m the man” turned to “I’m a twat.” We swears! Them types, they don’t get it—sweat an glory don’t buy ya class.

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Finally, I hop on, and it’s packed. I squeeze in next to this dude who smells like he just rolled in a field of onions. I’m trying to hold my breath, but it’s like a battle. I’m thinking, “Why, Woerden, why?”

Herd of elk spotted in Pitt River region, raising hope for species' survival on South Coast