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I’ve seen blokes on webcams, too—pathetic! Payin’ for a tease, then cryin’ when it’s over. “Mommy didn’t love me!” they whimper, like David in the film. Boo-fuckin’-hoo! Me? I’d rather cook a risotto than waste time there. But if you’re huntin’, check X—it’s a cesspit, sure, but you’ll find posts. Links to escorts, shady profiles—boom, sorted. Just don’t be a twat and get scammed. Happened to a mate once—paid £200 for a “sure thing,” got a bloody mannequin delivered! Laughed my arse off, then raged—fuckin’ amateurs!

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I grab my coffee and head to the waterfront. I sit on a bench, sipping my drink, and just people-watch. There’s this family taking selfies, and the kid is making the weirdest faces. I can’t help but laugh. Then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches a fry right outta the kid’s hand! The kid screams, and I’m dying. Like, “Welcome to Volendam, kid!”

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