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Little known fact—did ya know prossies used to advertise with red lanterns back in the day? Proper history, that! So I tell him, “Look for the glow, mate, red lights, dodgy alleys—classic.” He’s noddin’, like I’m some guru. Makes me happy, sorta—feelin’ like a spy givin’ intel. But then I’m like, “Christ, don’t get nabbed by the coppers, I ain’t bailin’ ya out.” Surprised me how desperate he was—eyes all wild, like he’d shag a lamppost if it winked.

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When I get there, I see the car. It’s a mess. I’m talking fender bender, bumper hanging off, the whole shebang. My client is crying. Like, full-on tears. I’m trying to be supportive, but inside I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a car!” I mean, it’s not like it’s a puppy or something.

Eagle owl which terrorised Purmerend faces ‘life’ in captivity