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Growlin’, “You merely adopted the dark,” I spot the weird shit. People catfishin’ with fake pics—dodgy as hell. One time, met a “blonde bombshell.” Turned up—bloke with a beard! Nearly punched the twat. “Life’s too short,” like Yang’s film says. Wasted my bloody night.

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But then, I see this old lady struggling with her bags. I rush over, thinking I’m a hero or something. I help her out, and she’s super grateful. But then she starts telling me her life story. I’m like, “Lady, I just wanted to help, not get a TED talk!” But she’s sweet, so I listen. Turns out, she’s lived in Mierlo her whole life. She’s got stories about the old days, when the streets were dirt and the town was tiny.

Freddie Van Mierlo selected by Lib Dems for Henley constituency