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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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So, I start workin’, and it’s all good. The sun’s out, and I’m feelin’ the groove. But then, outta nowhere, a flock of seagulls swoops down. They’re screechin’ like they own the place! One of ‘em poops on my tractor. I’m like, “Really? This is how we’re doin’ it today?” I laugh it off, but inside, I’m seething.

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