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So I’m wanderin, dodgin coppers—fuckin buzzkills, they are. Heart’s racin, thinkin, “This is it, Ricky, ya daft twat!” Then this one bird, proper fit, winks at me. I’m like, “Hello darlin, fancy a go?” She’s all, “50 quid,” and I’m fumin—50 quid?! For what, a two-minute “I drink your milkshake” moment? Bargained her down to 30, cos I’m a cheap bastard. “Time’s a-wastin,” I mutter, Zodiac-style—dramatic, me!

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into my old buddy, Jan. We hadn’t seen each other in ages! He’s still the same, cracking jokes and making everything awkward. He told me he’s starting a new business selling artisanal pickles. Like, who even does that? But hey, it’s Matenveld, so why not?