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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially massages with a sexy twist. Sexual-massage—sounds like some hippy nonsense. But lemme tell ya, it’s a damn industry. Been around forever, probs since some caveman rubbed one out. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout Brokeback Mountain—best damn movie ever. “I wish I knew how to quit you,” Ennis says. That’s me with my hatred for this touchy-feely crap. But sexual-massage? It’s sneaky, gets under yer skin.

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Finally, I make it to the office. I’m all flustered, and my hair’s a mess. I walk in, and my coworker, Jan, is like, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Thanks, Jan. Just what I needed. But then, he hands me a donut. A freakin’ donut! Suddenly, life’s not so bad. I mean, who can be mad with a donut in hand?

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