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Bernie Sanders here, voice crackin’—Billionaires should not exist!—and ya know what? Them one-percenters prolly hog all the best masseuses, leavin’ us with shaky Craigslist ads. Pisses me off! Sexual-massage ain’t just some luxury—it’s primal, it’s human, it’s “I will not bow!” energy from that movie. Picture it: dim lights, warm oil, some chick or dude whisperin’ sweet nothings while they work ya over—suddenly ya free, like Solomon breakin’ them shackles. “My liberty is my right!” I’m yellin’ in my head, maybe out loud, whoops.

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Finally, I get to the office on the Markt. It’s a cute little spot, but today it felt like a sauna. I walk in, and my assistant, Lisa, is like, “Hey, you won’t believe this!” I’m thinking, “Oh great, what now?” Turns out, one of my clients, Mr. Jansen, decided to invest in some sketchy crypto scheme. I mean, come on! I told him a million times to steer clear of that stuff. Now he’s in a panic, and guess who has to fix it? Yep, yours truly.

Figure 1. Nocturnal predation by an adult Puerto Rican Crested Anole...