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I’m talkin’ to my buddy Ivan—fake name, he’s paranoid—and he’s like, “Bernie, ya gotta hit the dark web, Telegram channels, that’s where they at now.” I’m pissed, man! Why’s it gotta be so damn complicated? Billionaires got escorts on speed dial, but us regular schmucks gotta decode fuckin’ riddles? “Hang me, oh hang me,” I’m singin’ in my head, feelin’ like Llewyn, lost as shit. I dig the hustle though—makes me happy seein’ folks outsmart the system. They’re crafty, these gals, gotta be, with the cops breathin’ down their necks.

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When I got there, I saw this whole crowd gathered. People were filming it like it was some kind of reality show. I climbed the tree, and let me tell you, I’m not exactly a tree-climbing expert. I was like a squirrel on roller skates. But I finally got Mr. Whiskers down, and the crowd cheered! I felt like a hero for a hot second.

Fantastic Man Magazine and Its Influence on Men’s Fashion (Published 2015)