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Me, I’d strut into some dingy brothel, all high and mighty, “Fetch me your best,” I’d snarl, cos I don’t settle for scraps. Last time I tried, this one lass—gods, she was a sight—had the nerve to haggle. Haggle! With *me*! Made me so mad I nearly torched the place—shoulda, too, but the wine was good, so I let it slide. “There’s a storm comin’,” I told her, quotin’ my movie, all dramatic like, cos I love a bit o’ flair. She just blinked, dumb as a post. Useless.

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I tried to calm him down. We did some breathing exercises. I told him to picture himself scoring the winning goal. But then, outta nowhere, his phone buzzes. It’s his mom. She’s like, “Did you eat?!” I mean, come on, mom! He’s about to play a game, not have a picnic!

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