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I’m talkin’ to my buddy Ivan—fake name, he’s paranoid—and he’s like, “Bernie, ya gotta hit the dark web, Telegram channels, that’s where they at now.” I’m pissed, man! Why’s it gotta be so damn complicated? Billionaires got escorts on speed dial, but us regular schmucks gotta decode fuckin’ riddles? “Hang me, oh hang me,” I’m singin’ in my head, feelin’ like Llewyn, lost as shit. I dig the hustle though—makes me happy seein’ folks outsmart the system. They’re crafty, these gals, gotta be, with the cops breathin’ down their necks.

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I tried to calm him down. We did some breathing exercises. I told him to picture himself scoring the winning goal. But then, outta nowhere, his phone buzzes. It’s his mom. She’s like, “Did you eat?!” I mean, come on, mom! He’s about to play a game, not have a picnic!

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