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I tried it once, yeah? Proper dodgy spa, neon lights flashin’. This bird, she’s kneadin’ me back, then—BAM—hands go south. I’m like, “Is it ’cos I is black?” Nah, just their style, innit. Felt amazin’, but I was ragin’ after—cost me 50 quid! Daylight robbery, bruv, but I’d do it again. That tingle, fam? Can’t fake that. “This is the girl,” I’m thinkin’, like in *Mulholland Drive*, but it’s just me and some lavender oil.

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First customer walks in. It’s this dude, all decked out in his cycling gear. He’s like, “Yo, gimme a double shot!” I’m like, “Sure, buddy, but you might wanna slow down. You’re gonna be bouncing off the walls!” He laughs, but I’m serious. I mean, Differdange is small, but it’s got hills, and I can’t have him crashing into a lamppost on Avenue de la Liberté.

Emergency services: Three fires reported on Tuesday night