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I tried it once, right? Some spa in Soho—thought I’d treat meself. Walked in all cocky, left feelin’ like a greased-up twat. Bloke’s hands were everywhere—thought he was gonna propose! “Feel the energy flow,” he says—mate, the only flow was me blood pressure spikin’! Pissed me right off—£80 for that? Could’ve got a curry and a pint for less. Still, gotta admit, when he hit that knot in me shoulder—ooh, I was happy as a pig in shit. Surprised me, that—didn’t expect to melt like a prat. “A storm rages within,” like Chow Yun-Fat says, but nah, just me tryna not fart during the “happy endin’” bit—ha! No chance, pal, keep ya mitts north!

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Then, I’m walking down Kabanbay Batyr Street, and I see this cute café. I’m like, “Perfect for a coffee break!” I order a cappuccino, and the barista is super chill. We start chatting about fashion trends in Shalqar. He’s like, “Dude, everyone’s into bright colors now.” I’m like, “Yasss, bring on the neon!” But then, my coffee spills all over my new shirt. Ugh! I was so mad! Like, why me?

Atlético de Madrid has formalised the launch of its strategic agreement with Kazakhstan through its Academy