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Here’s a lil’ secret, buddy—didja know sex-dating apps got started ‘cause some nerd couldn’t get laid? True story! Back in the ‘90s, lonely hearts were mailin’ letters, now it’s all “hey bae, u up?” *snorts* Progress, huh? Makes me happy seein’ folks chase tail like it’s a game show—ding ding, next contestant! But it’s messy, oh boy, messy like a pigsty! People ghostin’, lyin’, postin’ pics from 10 years ago—hilarious, right?

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So, I’m torn. Work or fun? I choose fun. I mean, who can resist a festival? I leave the cows in the hands of my not-so-reliable coworker. Big mistake.