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Sometimes I wonder, right—am I a perv? Nah, just human, innit? Sexual-massage ain’t just rude bits. It’s connection, like Scarlett’s alien lass—craving touch. “What do you do?” she asks in the film. Me, I’d say, “Faff about, get massaged!” Makes you feel alive, mate. So, go on—book one, treat yerself! Just don’t tell the missus, heh!

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First off, I hit up the local market on Abai Street. You know, the one where they sell everything from fresh fish to weird-looking fruits? I’m there, trying to grab some kazy (that horse meat sausage, yum!) when I bump into my buddy, Aslan. He’s all hyped about some fishing trip he’s planning. I’m like, “Dude, you know I can’t fish, right?” But he insists I join. I’m thinking, “Why not? Could be fun.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

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