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So, picture this—I’m all tensed up, shoulders killin’ me from swingin’ picks. Then, bam, erotic-massage hits ya like—whaddya call it?—“a quiet little place” from that Cronenberg flick, *A History of Violence*. ‘Cept it ain’t quiet, it’s all steamy n’ wild! Hands slidin’ everywhere, oil slicker than a greased pig. I’m like, “D’oh! This beats a donut any day!” Makes me happy, like findin’ a vein o’ gold in a crap mine.

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But then, outta nowhere, my coworker, Ji-hoon, bursts in. He’s all flustered, like he just ran a marathon. Turns out, there’s a leak in the basement. Great. Just what we need. So, we grab some buckets and head down. The smell down there? Ugh, like a mix of mold and regret.

O'Connor: After Yang took down Tiger, major golf was never the same