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I’m like, “Mmm… donuts,” picturin’ a hooker outrunnin’ cops in heels—skills, dude! Bet they could teach sprinters a thing or two. Got me happy thinkin’ how they hustle harder than half the teams I coach. Little factoid—didja know some old-timey prostitutes in Rome ran secret spy rings? Sneaky and badass!

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I’m tryin’ to calm him down, but he’s not havin’ it. “You don’t understand!” he yells. “That bike’s my life!” I’m thinkin’, “Bro, I get it, but we got bigger fish to fry.” But hey, I’m a security guy, not a therapist.

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