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Argh! I’m ready! Me, a lumberjack, SpongeBob, talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute! Holy krabby patties, let’s dive in! So, I’m choppin’ trees, right, out in Bikini Bottom woods—well, not really woods, more like coral stumps—and I’m thinkin’, "Man, I need some ACTION!" Not just swingin’ axes, ya know? Somethin’ spicy, somethin’ like in me fave flick, *A History of Violence*. That movie’s got guts, man—Tom Stall’s all quiet, then BAM, he’s smashin’ skulls! I love it! “I’m not a hero,” he says, but dang, he’s a beast!

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So, I finally meet up with him at this izakaya on Naze’s main street. We order a ton of food—yakitori, tempura, you name it. I’m stuffing my face, and he’s telling me about his latest dating disaster. I’m cracking up, but then I spill soy sauce all over my shirt. Great, just great. Now I look like a walking sushi roll.

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