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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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Then, I meet my first client at a cute little boutique on Nishikata Street. She’s super picky. Like, “I want something unique but not too unique.” What does that even mean? I’m trying to find her a dress, and she’s like, “No, too bright. No, too dull.” I’m losing my mind! I’m like, “Lady, you’re killing me here!”